Tony, my readers will appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to have a beer with me and put the world to rights.....
I agree Penfold, this is a chance to connect with your readers and is not the time for shameless political point scoring and sound bites......
But I must say that I'm disappointed David Cameron has yet to grant you an interivew and...I feel the hand of history on my shoulder, when I sit here with you today, discussing South East Asian development...
Righty ho Tony......moving swiftly on!!!!
With the on-going Chilcot inquiry into the Iraq war, aren't you anxiously looking over his shoulder in case representatives from the International Criminal Court pay you a visit?
Penfold, I thought I was here to discuss the merits of ladyboy threesome's and visits to soapy massage parlours in Bangkok and not to get involved in the drudgery of political inquiries!!!!
I see you've not lost your ability to duck a question since retiring from British politics, Tony!!!
Before inviting you here today, I asked my readers to submit any questions they would like me to ask you.....
The first is from G. Brown in Kirkcaldy, and I think it says, although I can't be 100% sure because the hand writing's so bad.......Do you have any advice about how to improve your popularity with the ladies?
Ah, this must be another of your readers trying to score with more hot chicks when they go to Thailand.
Well, its rather easy. You have to smile inanely, wear a nice suit and simply tell the girls what they want to hear........it's a bit like politics really!!!
The next question for you is from a Mr. A. Darling in London and he says.....your wife is a minger, have you ever thought about running away to Thailand?
Cherie has many fine qualities and is a wonderful human being, but standing next to a Soi Cowboy go-go dancer most ladies would look like they've just lost a fight with with a wombat!!!
Talking of running away to Thailand, I must admit that I have a secret crush on Tata Young and I do occassionally think of her as I'm slipping Cherie one!!!!
But if Cherie ever found out about it, boy oh boy, I'd be strung up quicker than David Carradine!!!
The next question comes from the unfortunately named Edward M. Balls and he says.....When visiting Thailand, do you have any advice on how to spot a ladyboy?
It is very difficult to spot them here in Thailand as they are often very nice looking and after a few drinks they can easily be mistaken for the real thing.
Unlike most trannies who look like a cross between George Dubya Bush and Margaret Thatcher!!!
My tips for spotting a ladyboy are:
1) Always look for the disproportionately large hands and feet.
2) Check the way "she" walks. If there is an exaggerated swing of hips, then she is a he!!!
3) The Adam's apple is a dead give away!!!!
4) The last resort is to listen to the voice and if she sounds like the Walrus of Love, Barry White then god help you.
The only way to be 100% sure, is to do a "Crocodile Dundee" and have a thorough feel!!!!
That seems like an ideal point to end the interview, Tony.... all that's left is to thank you for your time today.....