Hi honey I'm home

Yes yes, I know I've been away for a while.....but worry thee not..... I haven't been abducted by kiddy fiddlers or detained at her Majesty's pleasure!!!

Although it might be quite amusing being detained, together with her Maj and seeing the look on Prince Phillip's face when he finds out that all we have for entertainment is a copy of the Koran and an audio tape of the selected works of Osama Bin Laden.......!!!

The reason for my absence from the "bloggersphere" is slightly more boring and mundane.......I have been trying to work my up the "greasy corporate pole" which requires "application, diligence and hard work" as my employer would say. Or, in the inimitable words of Jim Carey, I'm required to "bend over and take it up the tail-pipe" and be grateful for the mediocre pay cheque that I receive at the end of the month.

Before any unemployed people start getting their knickers in a twist and saying that I'm lucky to still have job during the "credit crunch", blah blah blah..........then please read the following which are examples from a memo that was sent to all staff telling them the "do's and don'ts" when corresponding with clients......

cannot: not can not
plurals: CDs, VPs (not CD’s, VP’s)
a lot: not alot
acronyms: do not use acronyms to describe business units. Resist using acronyms in general. If you must use an acronym, spell out on first reference, with the acronym in parentheses and then use the acronym thereafter.

What kind of numpty do you think I am...I know my "nota bene" from my "id est" and contrary to what my employer may think, I actually know my arse from my elbow.

You wouldn't issue a memo like that to a class of 5 year olds. I "can not" believe that some "T.W.A.T" actually thought that was a productive use of time and resources. If they actually concentrated on making "alot" more money then they wouldn't have to keep making my colleagues redundant.

Below is the very helpful advice that my employers released to help prevent staff from being struck down with Swine Flu:

"Swine influenza symptoms are similar to regular influenza. Here are some preventive measures you can take"

  1. Wash your hands frequently with soap and water.
  2. Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth because that often is how germs spread.
  3. Cover your mouth (with your sleeve or a tissue) when you cough or sneeze and properly dispose of the tissue.
  4. Stay home if you are sick (especially with a fever).
  5. Go to the doctor if you are ill and experiencing symptoms of the swine flu.
  6. We will continue to monitor the situation. We will provide updates as the situation warrants.

I'd like to draw your attention to point number 3......

Whilst it is easy enough to "properly dispose of a tissue", how do they expect me to "properly dispose of my sleeve"?

This is the level of stupidity that I have to endure on a daily basis...but enough of my rantings!!!

I'm glad to be back and I hope to be making regular postings to keep you up to date with all developments in the Land of smiles...and anything else that causes me consternation.......


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